The Tears I Cry...

Yesterday I was riding with my sister to look at some houses, and her and my nephew kept talking about how they wanted a Mercedes. I mean they kept going on and on about the different Mercedes that they liked. And as they were talking back and forth, I started to get sad. It took a lot of strength for me not to burst out into tears. Why couldn’t they say they wanted a benz like everyone else? I mean there was nothing wrong with their conversation. Because I too wanted a Mercedez. I wanted my daughter Mercedez back.

She only lived for a few seconds, but I cherish every moment that I got to spend with her. I guess it wasn’t their fault that they kept using her name. Can I ever move on? I doubt it. I mean who can move passed their child’s death?

I remember holding her in my arms. I was only 17; but the doctor felt that it would help me cope with the death if I held her. Mercedez Ania Stevens, is what we named her. I bet she would be a beautiful little girl right now. Sometimes I dream of her as a young girl holding my hand. What does that mean? I would of gave my life, just so she could live. I never experienced love at the level until then. And even now I have not experienced that love after so long. In my relationships with women I don’t even bring up sex; I let them bring up the subject. All sex will do is get me closer to maybe having another child. But what if the next child didn’t make it? I don’t think I could bear any more pain. I truly have to love a woman now to have sex with her. Its more than just sex to me, it’s a connection of our two souls. I love Mercedez. She is the only woman that has truly understood me. She understood me in the womb, and she still understands me in Heaven.

When I say I love you, I really mean it. I love you Mercedez. And whomever I ever uttered those words to; please believe that I meant it with all of my heart. I know no woman can ever replace my daughter. But I know that God has one out there that can make me feel that same love that I have for my daughter. And I know she too will make me cry; cry tears of joy.

But until then……I will continue to cry for my daughter. It is an expression of my love for her.

Rest In Peace Mercedez Ania Stevens

Your father misses you and loves you.



Proper.